Spiritual Death

Spiritual death is wat had happended to me for the past 8months or maybe longer...my spirital death was like cooking a frog in warm water. it kills gradually, kills u in a way that u wouldn't even know. But, it's too late once u know. Ironically, i have been claiming that i feel so peaceful inside. Until, 2weeks ago, i began to ponder rather there's peacefulness or emptyness that my heart holds. i finally come to admit that i have depression---- spiritual depression. A few very sincere brothers and sisters would come to me with love and care. Thou i tend to refused in a gentle way, and with the most exceptable reason "i have been feeling very tired". Yes, i have been very tired dealing with some personal and family matters. so, i was not totally lying. Yet, i was also tired with implications of: tired of ppl, preaching, God's words; mostly i am tired of disappointment. i am so tired of seeing the false/fault of others, i can not stand silly comments, responses and strong opinions and remarks anymore. Basically, the love and grace in me were gone. i seriously feld hard, and i mean REALLY hard. To an extreme, i wanna quit. And wat i mean by quiting is, once i go, i won't come back.

But then, my heart lingers u all. And i dare not to forget wat Jesus said:" I am the vine; you r the branches...apart from me you can do nothing" i said to God: " i know your words, but, i am too weak to stand up and walk with You again." So, for a long time , i didnt pray, i deleted all of the daily bread devotion emails. i stopped all my sharings. i stopped to care. Because i dont give a 'danm" anymore. Tell me, wat is the point of continuing to love and care, when i try so hard in serving & caring and in return get stike down by negative remarks and gain no supports. i felt like i am making a fool of myself. i have been baring so much pressures with my own&family matters already, i thought my fellowship is my support and my shelther, and where there would still be love&encouragments. yet, wat is the point to come to fellowship to get hurt and disappointed again. Ironically, i took up the serving post in the committee this year. And, i totally regreted it in early committee meetings; i got this strong noise in me to tell me to quite.

Yet, God has so much love and grace on me. thank God i survived once again in God's grace. When God wants to speak to u, He has a way. Thou, i cut down all the fellowship time and sunday worships. God used the last fri's AFC jubilization to speak to me face to face. Actually, i have decided to give up when i refused to go AFC with the fellowship on fri. at that time. But, so thankful that the holy spirit pull on me to go on sunday. There are 3 points that cut deeply into my heart in AFC that night.
P1. you get hurt, but it's ok. Let God heal u and u go and love again. In short, get hurt, get heal and love again.
P2. we r already in the spiritual battle once we decided to take God's side. (Ephesians 6:13-18)

P3. let your life depended on God's word alone.

That night, i committed to God that my life would live&build on God's words alone. Since then, i regain my love and strenghts from the Holy spirit. nevertheless, this is my testimony to all of you who have been praying for me quietly. God listened to all the prayers from those who have been praying for me. Praise the Lord~~~ ^_^Y
Thou, plz continue to pray for my spirital well being. ^_~